The editor in me: Spam editing

I usually never get spam emails. My email account filters them nicely to my spam folder. But today somehow the email below managed to get into my Inbox:

From: Jon W. Rosborough <rrjon4433@gmail.com>
To:
Sent: Friday, 22 July 2016, 7:25
Subject: YOUR URGENT RESPOND IS NEEDED‏‏

Wilmington International Airport
1740 Airport Blvd. Suite 12
Wilmington, NC 28405

Compliment,

Sorry for the delay in sending this message, We were checking over some files and packages in the office and we discover an ATM CARD which was addressed on your name, (I think it is Contract/Inheritances funds) I believe you can remember a dealing that has to do with some cooperate body or individual about this said funds to be deliver to you through an (ATM CARD) but I do not have any idea why it was on hold at our Airport up-to-date.

So we contacted the Authorities and they asked us to get in contact with Senator Richard Burr, to get an approval to figure out what was in the package, After checking over the ATM CARD, we discover a total sum of $5.5,000.000 ($5.5 Million USD) through the router figurative machine who check on balance through the number on a ATM CARD, so we report back to the Senator Richard Burr and we were asked to deliver the package to you from this office. (Senator Richard Burr, City Hall, Room 222 181 South Street Gastonia, NC 28052) We need you to reconfirm your full name and  Home address to see if it will show on the package we have here. And also if you want your ATM CARD to be delivered to you immediately, it will cost you just only $95.00 which is the charges for the delivery clearance certificate of your ATM card, meanwhile your ATM CARD is save with our securities service so please have that in mind. The information above is where the ATM CARD was stopped at Wilmington International Airport North Carolina.

THIS MAIL IS NOT A SPAM OR SCAM MESSAGE, WE CAN DELIVER YOUR ATM CARD TODAY IF WE RECEIVED REPLY FROM YOU, I HAVE INCLUDED MY NAME AND MY SSN: 768 67 6797 FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM FOR REAL AND NOT A SCAM IF YOU NEED TO VERIFY ME, SO STOP DEALING WITH ANY BODY IF YOU HAVE SOME IMPOSTERS YOU ARE DEALING WITH AND FOCUS ON GETTING YOUR ATM CARD HERE IN WILMINGTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED NOT TO DISCLOSE THIS DEAL TO NO ONE OR ELSE TERMINATION FROM THE HOUSE OF SENATE WILL PENETRATE ON YOUR FUNDS DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO CONTACT ANOTHER PERSON TO FIND OUT WHAT THIS IS, SO NO MISTAKE OF SUCH WILL BE TOLERATED.

Mr. Jon W. Rosborough
Director

As I read the email, my eyes hurt noticing all punctuation, grammar, and general writing mistakes. Since it’s Friday and I was in the mood to do something funny:

I answered the following (I doubt they’ll ever reply me):

Hi,

Thanks but this not my card. I picked up mine last month at Dulles International airport. My deal was bigger: it involved 10 million $us. But I wish you luck finding the real owner. However, you really need to polish your writing here. Below is a sample of my editing services. If you need to polish other emails like this one, send me as soon as possible to my paypal account the small amount of $us 250. I’ll be happy to assist you.

Best regards,

Lucy

Wilmington International Airport
1740 Airport Blvd. Suite 12
Wilmington, NC 28405

Compliment (what is the compliment? to address a formal email use the following words: “To whom it may concern”, “Dear xxx”, etc.)

Sorry for the delay in sending this message, (wrong punctuation. Period) We were checking over some files and packages in the office and we discover (past tense “discovered”) an ATM CARD which was addressed on (wrong preposition, use “to”) your name, (I think it is Contract/Inheritances funds)_(missing period here) I believe you can remember a dealing (a “deal”) that has to do (“is related” to?) with some cooperate body  (there is no such things as “cooperate body”) or individual about this said funds to be deliver (passive voice, use: “delivered”) to you through an (ATM CARD) (no need of parentheses here) but I do not have any idea why it was on hold at our Airport up-to-date. (poor choice of words, perhaps “until now”?)

So we contacted the Authorities (no need to capitalize) and they asked us to get in contact with Senator Richard Burr, (misplaced comma) to get an approval  to figure out (poor choice of words, perhaps to “find out”, “research”, etc.) what was in the package, (wrong punctuation here. You need a period) After checking over the ATM CARD, we discover (use past tense here, “discovered”) a total sum of $5.5,000.000 ($5.5 Million USD) through the router figurative machine (there is not such machine…) who (if this is a machine performing the operation, then you need to use “that”, not “who”) check (past tense: “checked”) on balance through the number on a (change it to the definite article “the”) ATM CARD, (poor writing here, this sentence is too long, you need to put a period a start another one) so we report (past tense: “reported”) back to the Senator Richard Burr and we were asked to deliver the package to you from this office. (Senator Richard Burr, City Hall, Room 222 181 South Street Gastonia, NC 28052) We need you to reconfirm your full name and Home (no need to capitalize here) address to see if it will show on the package we have here. And also (it’s poor writing to start sentences with conjunctions such as “and” followed by the connector “also”) if you want your ATM CARD to be delivered to you immediately, it will cost you just only (poor writing, avoid these words) $95.00 which is  (“are”, you are referring to the “charges” which is plural) the charges for the delivery clearance certificate of your ATM card, meanwhile your ATM CARD is save (passive voice: “saved”) with our securities service so please have that in mind. The information above is where the ATM CARD was stopped (“was stopped”? do you mean “detained”, “held”…) at Wilmington International Airport North Carolina.

THIS MAIL IS NOT A SPAM OR SCAM MESSAGE, (wrong punctuation, you need to use a period) WE CAN DELIVER YOUR ATM CARD TODAY IF WE RECEIVED (you must continue the same structure here and use present “receive”) REPLY FROM YOU, (wrong punctuation, you need to use a period) I HAVE INCLUDED MY NAME AND MY SSN: 768 67 6797 FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM FOR REAL AND NOT A SCAM IF YOU NEED TO VERIFY ME (poor writing, you need to rewrite the whole sentence and use a simple statement such as “…. my SSN to verify that I am not a scan.”), (Period here) SO (Stop using “so”, this is so colloquial,informal) STOP DEALING WITH ANY BODY (this is one word: “anybody”, by the way, you can’t address a person like this, it sounds like a threat and you’re losing credibility here)_ (missing punctuation here: Period) IF YOU HAVE SOME IMPOSTERS YOU ARE DEALING (you really need to check your sentence structure. It’s all over the place and there’s no coherence at all …) WITH AND FOCUS ON (is this a command, a threat? you need to polish your people skills here…) GETTING YOUR ATM CARD HERE IN WILMINGTON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, (wrong punctuation, you should use period to separate complete sentences) YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED NOT TO (wrong order of words “to not”) DISCLOSE THIS DEAL TO NO ONE OR ELSE TERMINATION FROM THE HOUSE OF SENATE WILL PENETRATE ON YOUR FUNDS DUE TO THE FACT THAT YOU WERE TRYING TO CONTACT ANOTHER PERSON TO FIND OUT WHAT THIS IS (terribly long sentence with no coherence at all), SO NO MISTAKE OF SUCH WILL BE TOLERATED.
Mr. Jon W. Rosborough
Director

By the way, I’m not Lucy and I don’t intend to charge $us 250. I was just in the mood of laughing today 🙂